I Need You
by Samantha Novak
Summary: Not related to my Sastiel "I Love You"! - "I love you," Sam pleaded. "Don't you love me, Cas?" Sam just needed Castiel to love him. So desperately needed Castiel to fix his broken heart and hollow soul. Dark!Sam, non-sexually themed bondage, very mild torture, some swearing.
1. Chapter 1

****AUTHOR'S NOTE: ****_This isn't related to my Sastiel "I Love You" fic. Tittles just happen to be similar. ___I have no idea where this came from... XD I was in my screenwriting class (I don't plan to write plays or scripts for shows or anything; it's just a requirement for my AFA) and my professor showed us a sample script to show us the formatting she wants us to use and it was about some guy with duct tape on his mouth whimpering and curled in the fetal position (she doesn't even know what play it was from; it was just a sample she found). Anyway, the duct tape part made me remember "Changing Channels" where they're on that sitcom set and Gabriel duct tapes Cas's mouth. And somehow, I got this fic.__

* * *

Castiel had lost track of how many days he'd been trapped in the bunker's panic room. There were no windows, and his instincts were muddled. He could no longer tell when the days passed. All he could do was lie on the bed that had been added shortly after he'd been trapped. His wrists were bound to the iron headboard above his head with iron cuffs. Ennochian symbols covered the walls, rendering him powerless and unable to fly out. At least he couldn't get cold; all he wore was his suit bottoms. His coat, suit jacket, and shirt had been taken away along with his shoes and socks. In addition to most of his clothing being removed, one thing had been added: a strip of duct tape across his mouth. Though he couldn't have called out for help even if he hadn't been trapped; the walls were too thick to be heard from the rest of the bunker.

The door opened with a creak then closed behind his captor. It was always his captor. No one else ever came to him and he doubted they even knew he was there. The angel didn't look as the intruder slowly came to stand beside the bed, echoing steps measured as if to build fear of what he would do next. When the figure stood beside him, he still refused to look anywhere but the dull ceiling above him.

"Look at me," his captor commanded, low voice barely above a whisper.

After a few seconds, Castiel slowly turned his head and met the dark eyes of his captor. Ice blue eyes met cloudy hazel, defiant and hard. He tugged sharply at the cuffs, the iron clanging against the metal headboard.

"Oh, no," Sam purred, raising a hand to caress down Castiel's cheek, stopping just before the tape. "I can't do that. If I let you go, you will leave me. And for __Dean__," he growled. "Why does __he__get you? Why does he get a guardian angel? _I'm _the one that believes in God and you and prays. Dean doesn't give a _shit_."

The angel whined against the tape, trying to communicate somehow that he was Sam's guardian as well but it was no use. Sam was no longer himself; he hadn't been since before he'd locked Castiel in the panic room, the angel suspected. If the hunter's words and actions were any indication, Sam felt strongly for him and felt left out. Once again, Dean got everything and Sam was just the little brother doomed to follow in his brother's shadow.

Sam snorted and raised the angel blade he'd been keeping. He pressed the tip to Castiel's collarbone and dragged it down his pale chest, an angry red line forming in its wake. The angel arched his back in pain and screamed against the duct tape, hands balling into fists and tugging at the cuffs which made the chains rattle. As Sam pulled the blade away, he was left panting through his nose and staring with pleading eyes up at Sam.

"I don't want to hurt you, Cas," Sam assured in a nearly broken voice, tossing the blade away. It landed with a clatter against the floor across the room. "I __love__you! __I__want you! Dean is always treating you badly, and calling you a nerd and says things you don't understand!" Tears pooled in his eyes and he held Castiel's face between his hands, forcing the angel to lock eyes with him as his tone softened. "I am the one that teaches you things properly; I explain things and assure you you're not wrong or awkward... _I _love you," he pleaded. "Don't you love me, Cas?"

It didn't matter that Castiel couldn't answer; Sam didn't bother to wait for one. He climbed onto the bed and straddled his hips then peeled off the duct tape as gently as he could. It was quickly balled up and tossed away, and his lips came smashing into Castiel's, demanding a response. Castiel couldn't turn his head away because Sam had replaced his hands on either side of his face, and he refused to kiss back. This was not the Sam Winchester he first met, the boy with the demon blood that still believed in the good and purity of angels that was reverent when he shook the angel's hand. This man was something dark and twisted and broken.

When Sam didn't get the response he was looking for, he whimpered and moved his hands down to cur around Castiel's biceps, hard enough to leave bruising but Castiel barely noticed. "Cas... please... don't... don't you love me?" Sam asked again, the tears dripping down his cheeks and onto Castiel's. Sam's thumbs idly brushed them aside.

After a few moments of silence, Castiel decided Sam was truly going to let him answer. But what could he say? _Yes, I love you? _The angel had no frame of reference for love; he didn't know if he felt that way for Sam. If he did, it certainly wasn't for this broken and twisted version of Sam; if he loved Sam, he loved the boy with the demon blood he first met, the man that cared and always strove for the right thing even in the worst possible circumstances.

Then again, he did feel something for this Sam, this hurt and pleading man that simply wanted to be acknowledged; and it wasn't pity or disdain. It wasn't a negative emotion that sliced through Castiel's heart; it was an emotion Castiel had come to understand. Regret. What Sam was feeling and his actions as a result were Castiel's fault. He hadn't shown Sam enough that Sam was as much Castiel's charge as Dean, that he was Sam's guardian, too, and would protect him from anything. If this wasn't exactly love then Castiel at least _cared_ about Sam. He cared very much.

"Sam," he said quietly, voice slightly rougher from his screams. "I care very much about you. I am sorry I have made you feel this way; it was never my intention to make you think I cared more for Dean. _You _are just as much my charge as he is; I am _your _guardian, too."

Sam's eyes widened at the revelation. Castiel cared about him, too? How had he missed it? How could he not see all Castiel did for him? "But," he said in a broken voice, "you don't love me."

"I don't know," Castiel admitted. "I don't know what love feels like. Sam, I am still learning human emotions; I don't know love but I know I care about you and I am truly sorry for what has happened to you."

Unsure what to do with this information, Sam took a step back and wiped at his eyes. His chest felt hollow, his heart lodged in his throat. He'd wanted so desperately for Castiel to say he loved him in return and for everything to be as it was before but for Castiel to be _his_. This... This was unexpected. Was this an unrequited love? Or was it unrequited before when Castiel didn't even know how Sam felt? No, this was it; because Castiel didn't – or couldn't – love him back. And it fucking _hurt_.

But what was he expecting, really? How could a fucking _angel _love him? Something so perfect and pure in love with someone so broken and tainted? Someone so _worthless_! Of course Castiel couldn't love him; because surely if he felt love, he'd know that feeling. Castiel didn't know what love was because he couldn't feel it. Not for Sam. Not for the boy with the demon blood, the one that had been addicted to it, the one that had started the apocalypse and freed Lucifer... How could _anyone _love that?

Without a word, Sam crossed to the abandoned angel blade and slowly bent to retrieve it. He kept his eyes down as he stood beside Castiel once more. Castiel didn't even flinch as Sam raised it toward him. If Sam felt the need to kill him because he didn't know how to love him in return, then Castiel would die a happy angel if it made Sam feel better. But Sam never struck. Instead, he fit it into one of Castiel's hands then unlocked the cuffs and stepped back. The angel slowly sat upright, glancing at the blade in his hands then at Sam in question.

"Go," Sam whispered. "I can't keep you locked down here. So you can't love me; at least I know now. And I'm sorry."

"Sam..."

"No... Cas... it's, uh... it's fine, okay?" Sam said with a forced smile. "I get it. Just, uh... I want to be alone, okay?"

"Sam," Castiel tried again, feeling his heart constricting in his chest. _Just listen to me. I'm sorry you're hurting. I wish I could make it better. I would give anything to see you smile and laugh again. _What could he say? Sam was in no place to listen and be comforted. "I am here when you need me," he offered before passing Sam and exiting the panic room.

Sam said nothing and didn't watch Castiel leave. He kept his eyes down and mouth shut. _I am here when you need me... _But Sam _did _need Castiel. The angel was the only one that could fix the broken heart throbbing in his chest, the hollow feeling in his soul, the lump in his throat that made breathing come in broken sobs... Every part of Sam screamed desperately for the angel to make him feel whole and wanted and to assure him that he was worth loving.

"I need you, Cas," Sam whispered as the tears pooled in his eyes, knowing the angel couldn't hear him.


	2. Chapter 2

**AUTHOR'S NOTE: **_Originally, I hadn't planned to continue this beyond the one-shot. I don't know how long this will be or where it will take me but I had the urge to write something more._

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?"

Cas slowly strode toward the eldest Winchester who sat at one of the tables in the library, feet propped up on the chair beside his, laptop resting on his thighs. "Hello, Dean."

"Dude," Dean said, straightening and putting his laptop on the table. "I've been calling you for three days. Where the hell have you been?" he repeated.

It had been three days? Cas wasn't sure if his time in the panic room had felt longer or shorter than that. "It's not important," he said. "What did you need?"

"Not important? You vanish without any explanation for three days, don't answer any of my calls, and then just show up outta nowhere and it's not important? Seriously, where _were_ you?" Dean growled. The worry he'd felt for his friend had quickly been replaced by irrational anger at his friend. He hadn't been able to find Cas for three days and had been unable to do anything about it. Now that Cas stood in front of him, he could actually _do_ something.

Cas didn't answer, staring at Dean. What could he say? Sam had him locked in the panic room? He couldn't do that to Sam. Even if something was wrong with Sam - because the man that had held him captive was not the Sam Winchester he'd first met - and that had been why he'd snapped and held Cas hostage, he didn't deserve the anger he knew Dean would have at knowing his baby brother had acted so irrationally.

"Seriously, Cas, where were you? Is everything okay?" The anger in Dean's voice was gone again, worry creeping in once more at Cas's prolonged silence.

Cas sighed and settled into the chair across from Dean's. There was no way to get out of this. He couldn't lie to Dean - mostly because he wasn't a very good liar. But what if whatever made Sam snap was something that could really hurt him? Sam needed their help which meant Cas needed Dean to know.

"I was in the panic room," he finally said. The way Dean's eyes widened almost made Cas think of a cartoon character and he had to bite back a laugh.

"Y- You were _here_ the whole time?! Why were y-? Why didn't y-? What the _hell_, Cas?!"

"Dean," Cas said evenly, keeping his tone calm. "I fear something is wrong with Sam." That got Dean's attention again and he quickly continued before Dean could begin a worried rant. "He's the one that kept me there."

So that explained where Sam kept going off to while he was gone. He had wondered why the bunker seemed empty every time he came home from an errand.

"He'd asked me to come check a sigil to be sure he had it correct," Cas continued. "I don't know what it was meant to be but as soon as I was in, he locked the door. He had other sigils drawn that kept me from using any of my grace. After a time, I was weak enough that he overpowered me and managed to chain me down and take my angel blade."

"Cas," Dean said quietly, unable to fathom the actions that clearly weren't like his brother. "Did he use it on you?"

Cas nodded once. "Yes. But only once. Near the end. He spent most of the time each visit weeping or angry at me."

Before he could explain any more, the creaking of the bunker's front door opened and heavy footsteps could be heard coming down the stairs.

"Dean," Sam called, voice accompanied by the rustling of a plastic bag. "They didn't have pie. You'll just have to get some next week."

"What the hell, Sam?!" Dean cried as he entered the entryway, Cas right behind him.

"Dude," Sam said, wrinkling his nose at the his brother. "It's just pie."

"You locked Cas up in the panic room and fucking _tortured_ him?!"

"Dean, he didn't-"

"You _told_ him?!" Sam cried, dropping the bag, face paling before he threw his hands up in the air. "Of course you did," he muttered. "Fucking 'profound bond' and all that other shit. See? I knew you liked Dean better!" he snapped, backing away from the pair.

"I do not favor either one of you," Cas said.

"Sam, you're acting like a kid that thinks their parent likes a sibling better," Dean growled.

"Yeah, and how would _you_ know what that feels like, huh? _You_ were Dad's favorite and now you got Cas. I'm the one that's always left out to fend for myself. Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe _I_ might need help sometimes, too?!" he cried before shoving past them both toward his room.

"Sam!' Dean called, trailing after him until the slamming of the door stopped him halfway down the hall. Growling in frustration and shoving a hand through his hair, he turned toward the angel. "What the hell was that? I've never seen Sam lose his shit like that."

"Something is wrong," Cas agreed. "I know Sam - the real Sam - wouldn't have done what he did to me."

"You mean like the guy in there is a shifter looking like Sam or something?" Dean asked.

"No, I am quite certain that is Sam. Just a very different version of Sam. Something is clearly bothering him so much that it's changing his behavior," Cas explained.

With a sigh, Dean made his way back into the libarary, gesturing Cas to follow. They settled at the table once more and Dean tugged his laptop closer, the clicking of keys as he typed filling in the silence.

"What did Sam say when he had you in the panic room?" Dean asked once he had finished doing whatever it was he'd needed to do on the computer.

"At first it was a lot of what he just said back there," Cas said. "That I favor you over him because of our profound bond. This was accompanied by a lot of anger at that point. Then he became pleading, telling me that you don't really like me because you use references I don't understand and don't explain them."

"Cas, you know that's not true, right?" Dean said quietly. Until it had been laid out like that, he didn't realize that the way he teased Cas could be seen so negatively. "You're like my brother."

Cas smiled and nodded. "I know, Dean. Please do not worry."

Dean nodded and gesture for Cas to continue.

"He told me that he was the one that was patient and taught me things I didn't understand. Then he would become weepy and tell me he loved me-"

"Wait, he said what?" Dean's eyes widened as he started at Cas, his gaze ocassionally flicking toward the entrance to the library as if he could see down the hall and into Sam's room to stare between the two of them.

"He said he loved me," Cas repeated. "He pleaded with me, wanting to know if I loved him in return."

At this, Dean raised an eyebrow curiously. "Do you?"

"I..." Cas sighed and stared at his hands on the tabletop. "I don't know. I know I care very much for Sam, for both of you. But I don't know what love like Sam wants feels like."

Dean hummed thoughfully then shook his head to focus before nodding at Cas. "What else happened?"

"One the last day after the same anger and weeping and pleading, he kissed me. I wouldn't kiss him back because that was not Sam. It felt wrong," he admitted, still staring athis hands. "But... the idea of Sam kissing me is not unappealing."

"Okay, I'm going to ignore _that_ for now," Dean muttered. "He kissed you" - Dean shuddered - "and then what?"

"I admitted that I didn't know what love felt like but that I care for him. He was quite for a while then he released me and returned my angel blade to me. He seemed a bit more like himself then. A little upset but more Sam. He said he wished to be alone so I left." Cas shrugged, indicating that was the end of his tale.

Dean sighed and leaned back in his chair, unsure what to do with all this information. "So... the main thing I get from this is Sam loves you and locked you in the panic room. Why? What was he hoping to get from it?"

Cas didn't answer, sensing this was a rhetorical question. After a moment, Dean continued to voice his thought process.

"He kept pleading with you to see if you loved him, right? _That's_ probably what he wanted. He wants you to love him," Dean decided.

"But that is not _Sam_," Cas protested. "I do not love whatever twisted version of Sam that is. Before this, I cared very deeply for the Sam we know - and I still do. But that angry person that locked me up and chained me down is not Sam."

"You said earlier that it _is_ Sam," Dean countered. "So either it is and you still care about him or it isn't and you don't give a shit. You can't have it both ways, Cas. We have to figure it out so we can help."

Cas remained silent for a moment then nodded decisively. "That _is_ Sam. I know it is. He's just hurt. Very emotionally hurt."

"Good. That's what I thought. So how do we help?"

"I don't know," Cas admitted. "I do not think this is something supernatural. This is a purely human experience. What causes extreme emotion like this?"

"PMS," Dean muttered with an amused grin. At Cas's confused expression, he waved his hand dismissively. "A girl thing. I was joking." With a sigh, he closed his laptop and stood. "Can you stick around the bunker for the next few days? Let's keep an eye on him and see what other signs we notice. Maybe something will click and we'll know what this is."

Cas nodded. "Of course, Dean."

In the quite of the library, one of the things Sam had said kept playing through both of their minds.

_Did it ever occur to anyone that maybe I might need help sometimes, too?!_


	3. Chapter 3

Sam slammed the door and leaned his back against it, body tense, breath caught in his chest. As soon as he heard Dean and Cas go back to the library, he let out the breath he'd been holding on a shaky exhale. He closed his eyes and leaned his head back as his body relaxed.

Cas had told Dean what he'd done. His cheeks felt hot with embarrassment and he scrubbed his palms over his face. How could he have done that to Cas? It wasn't like himself at all. He'd acted like a… a _monster_. To Cas! How could he have _locked him up_ and used his angel blade on him?! He could still hear Cas's muffled screams of pain behind the duct tape.

He slammed his hands over his ears as if the sound were echoing in the room. The image of Cas arching his back in an attempt to fight the pain flashed through his mind and Sam squeezed his eyes shut.

"No, no, no," he muttered. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..."

Finally pushing away the memory, he slid down to the floor, panting slightly. Damn, he was a mess. Mentally, he felt like he was someone completely different, someone not in control of his own mind. He felt so focused on Cas anytime the angel was near, watching him interacting with Dean and comparing it to how he interacted with Sam. Whenever he was away, he felt the loss. This felt ten times worse than when he'd been dating Jess.

Physically, his heart ached and he felt anxious. So wound up he felt like every muscle fiber was vibrating, making him shake. Anxiety, he realized. Over what? He knew Cas didn't – or couldn't – love him so it couldn't be not knowing if his feelings were reciprocated. No, it was because now that Dean knew how fucked up he was, he didn't know what his brother would do about it. It was like that year he'd been drinking demon blood.

"If I didn't know you, I'd wanna hunt you."

He'd snapped and now Dean was disgusted with him. Over what? A stupid crush on an angel that couldn't love him back? If he just stayed in his room away from the others, he couldn't hurt anyone, right? Maybe after some time alone, he'd be able to look Cas in the eye again and everything would be like it was before.

But the decision didn't soothe the anxiety roiling through his veins. He still felt the thrumming through his body and the worry clawing at his brain. He had to stop it, to calm himself. Remembering the time he'd had Lucifer in his mind, he tried to use his nails to grip his palm to use the pain as a grounding technique like before. It helped a little bit, the burning in his chest receding and his breath coming easier. He dug his nails in harder until he had four little red crescents in his palm.

The anxiety gone, he just felt tired. He slowly climbed to his feet and crawled into bed. Staring at the marks, he focused on the throbbing sting, trying to ignore everything else whirring in his mind.

At some point, he'd fallen asleep. He slowly climbed to his feet and padded across the room, quietly turning the knob and pulling the door open to peer into the hall. He couldn't make out any sounds or see any glimpses of light. Pulling his phone from his pocket, he saw that it was three in the morning. Dean was probably asleep and Cas had probably disappeared to wherever he went when he wasn't with them.

Quietly, he crept down the hall toward Dean's room. Listening close, he could hear his brother snoring. Satisfied he could avoid Dean for a little while longer, he made his way toward the kitchen. The last time he'd eaten was at lunch over twelve hours ago since he'd hidden himself in his room before dinner.

On his way to the kitchen, he saw a light on in the library. Dean must have forgotten to turn it off before going to bed. Rolling his eyes, he entered the room and crossed to the table. As he reached for the light, his attention was caught by a figure in the chair in the corner. As soon as he saw who it was, he felt the anxiety beginning to burn in his chest.

"Hello, Sam," Cas said quietly, setting the book he'd been reading aside. "Are you feeling any better?"

"I, ah, yeah," he mumbled, quickly pulling his hand back. "I thought Dean left the light on when he went to bed," he explained, gesturing to the light.

Cas nodded as he stood and crossed to Sam but said nothing. The unnerving silence made Sam nervous and he took an involuntary step back as Cas grew near. Without warning, Cas reached out and took Sam's hand. The feeling of his hand in Cas's warm grasp made the breath catch in Sam's throat. He watched as Cas traced his fingertips over the marks on his palm, feeling the warm tingle of grace spread over his hand as Cas healed the marks.

"I saw them when you reached for the light," Cas said quietly. "Why would you intentionally harm yourself?"

"I'm fine, Cas," Sam muttered, shoving his hands in his jeans. "Look, sorry for bothering you. I'm gonna, ah, go back to bed."

As he turned away, Cas grabbed his wrist and gently tugged him back. "Sam, wait," he said quietly. "I know something is bothering you. I want to help."

The way he met Sam's eyes, his own blue orbs sharp and gaze unwavering, made something ache inside Sam's chest. "You can't," he said quietly.

"Please," the angel said quietly. "I know you wouldn't have done to me what you did if you were yourself."

At the mention of what he'd done to Cas, the hunter winced and turned his gaze away. "I'm sorry for that," he whispered.

"I know, Sam. I know," Cas assured, letting go of Sam's wrist and awkwardly stepping closer. He wasn't used to expressing emotions but he knew that was the best way he could get through to Sam. Unlike Dean who refused any emotional moments, Sam coped best when he could express his feelings and talk. So Cas reached his arms up and around Sam's neck the way he'd seen Dean hug him. He held on as firmly as he could, even give Sam a few firm pats between his shoulder blades.

As Cas pressed close and wrapped his arms around his neck, Sam tensed, waiting for Cas to let go. But when he didn't and had even gave him a few pats on the back, Sam found himself relaxing into the hug. Cautiously, he brought his arms up and wrapped them around the angel. Having Cas in his arms felt so good and so natural. The realization almost brought tears to his eyes. Cas couldn't love him like he loved Cas. With a shaky sigh, he buried his face into the angel's shoulder.

"Cas," he mumbled.

"I'm here, Sam," Cas whispered, beginning to rub up and down between Sam's shoulders, feeling the taller man relaxing.

"Remember…" His voice came out in a rough whisper and he cleared his throat and tried again. "Remember how, when I let you go, you told me you were there if I need you?"

"Yes, of course. I meant it," Cas assured. "If you need me – for anything – I am here."

"I need you," Sam whispered, tightening his arms a fraction more, pulling Cas close.

"I'm here," Cas whispered. "I am not going anywhere, I promise. I care very much for you, Sam. I miss seeing you happy."

At Cas's words, the meager hold Sam had on his emotions broke and he felt tears slipping down his face and soaking Cas's shoulder. "Something's wrong with me."

"Sam," Cas said firmly, gently pushing Sam back to meet his eyes. Seeing the tears, he brought his hands up to cup Sam's face, thumbs wiping them away. "There is nothing wrong with you. You are hurting and I am sorry for that. But that does not mean there is anything _wrong_ with you."

Sam brought his hands up to grip Cas's wrists, whether to pull his hands away or hold them there Sam wasn't sure. "I love you," he whispered.

"I know," Cas said with a sad smile. "I am sorry I don't know what love feels like." When Sam tried to pull away, he slipped his hands into the hunter's and held on tightly to keep him from backing away. "Sam, listen to me. I don't know what love feels like. But the idea of loving you does not frighten me. If you are willing to be patient, I am willing to explore and to learn."

A small smile spread across Sam's face before he could fight it down with more doubts. "Really?"

Cas nodded, mirroring Sam's smile. "There is one other thing."

Sam's smile fell. There were the doubts again… "What's that?"

"You kissed me-"

"I'm sorry-"

"No, do not apologize," the angel said gently. "Let me finish. You kissed me and I did not reciprocate. Because the you in that room was not you. I want to kiss you, Sam."

"Y- You do?'

Cas nodded. "May I?"

The words caught in Sam's throat and he could only nod. Before he could process what was about to happen, Cas had let go of his hands and had brought one up to the back of Sam's neck, gently tugging him down. Sam obediently lowered his head to meet Cas. His brain finally caught up and he placed his hands on Cas's hips as their mouths brushed lightly against one another.

That light touch sent a pleasant shiver through Sam and he brought one hand up to cradle the back of Cas's head as he pressed his lips more firmly against Cas's. Somehow, Cas's free hand found its way to Sam's chest and gripped a fistful of his shirt as he pressed himself closer. The angel was all too happy to let Sam take the lead, willingly parting his lips when Sam's tongue lightly traced his lower lip, allowing the hunter access.

Sam moaned into the kiss at the taste of Cas's mouth as his tongue explored. Like fresh air and home. The hand on Cas's hip slid to his lower back and as his hips involuntarily flexed toward Cas's as his jeans tightened. Both men broke the kiss to rest their foreheads together as they panted.

After a moment, Cas's whispering broke the comfortable silence. "I would like to do that again."

Sam huffed a laugh and gently cupped Cas's chin to tilt his head up, gently meeting the angel's lips with his own once more.


End file.
